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Heidi Klum

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[26 Feb 2004|04:46am]
[ mood | irritated ]

I don't want updating an online journal to become a chore to me, so because I haven't really felt like updating I haven't. I think I'm entitled: hormones and situations are making me touchy and distancing myself from things like this is just something I find I have to do.

The headlines say my heart is utterly broken and I'm crushed beyond belief at Flavio and the ending of our relationship. Someone told me one said I was so upset that I called my family and begged them to come to New York to comfort me. I don't recall anything quite like that, but they did come to visit me as they have often while I'm here. My mother loves fussing over me and giving me advice and tidbits, and it's important to her to take care of her daughter during pregnancy. It has nothing to do with Flavio.

I was never in love with him. There was a time of infatuation and romance and it ended when he wound up in someone else's bed the day I announced the baby. I was angry, I was hurt, but you can only be heart broken if your heart is completely given away, and mine was not. The news that he was with some 19 year old from my home town is a little disturbing, however. I don't even care so much that they say she looks like me or lived a block from my old house, but the fact that she is that young bothers me greatly, because I doubt she even knows what she's getting into. Maybe she does and maybe it's all about his money. See how cynical I am?

But it does bother me. It bothers me that the father of my child is romping around with teenagers, and not just that, but a new one each month. I want him to be a part of her life, and he will be, but this is ridiculous and not boding well. We'll be an unconvential family, I don't mind that. I'm just going to be cautious of how things go depending on how he acts till then.

I decided to take the advice of a handsome English man, Alex James, and my aim name is hidden heidi. I can't guarantee how often I'll be around or what hours, but this is a start! My darling daughter has me up at this hour, but I'm going to just rest for awhile and see if I can get back to sleep.

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Disclaimer
[11 Feb 2004|06:16pm]
[ mood | hungry ]

I'll eventually get an AIM screen name, but I'm running dangerously low on ideas for something clever, so I'll have to think of something unless someone wants to help me. ;-)

I'm far too fond of all the Valentine's Day candy they're stocking the shelves with. The holidays are kind of a bad time to be pregnant, and I bypassed the worst, I think, but it's far from over and my reserve not to gorge is all but gone now.

I'm so amazed right now that there's a little life within me. I've read you can feel movements as early as the third month, but it's only been flutters until now.. now there's light kicks, little calls for attention as if to say "hey, I'm here!" It's a comforting feeling to know I'm never alone. I talk to my baby softly when I'm by myself, tell her about my thoughts and feelings and fears, or about mundane things like the weather or the new sweater I bought.

So, I'll be spending my Valentine's day with my baby. I have no definite plans, no romantic outings or plans to be spoiled rotten. Flavio is around, of course, but we called off any sort of non platonic relationship we had going early on. I don't think I'll be seeing him this Saturday, but you never know.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to find another bag of candy hearts.

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Disclaimer
[05 Feb 2004|10:17pm]
[ mood | excited ]

I took my time getting here, but I finally got a journal! It seems I'm a bit late as everyone's nearly all here, but no matter. I think I'll enjoy this.. hopefully I will. I've heard that things are what you make them though, and I'm intending for this to be something I'll look forward to.

Does everyone have this much trouble with first entries? I suppose I could just skip the "hello, I'm here, this is my journal!" stuff and just make this an actual entry saying what I've been up to. What has that been? This pregnancy thing is time consuming enough, of course. I'm still going out to do things and make appearences, but my career is definitely on break. This feels like the perfect time in my life for a child, as unexpected as it was. I'm sure this will be something I'll talk about often in here, but what can you expect from a first time mother?

I guess that wasn't so troublesome. It'll get more interesting from here, I promise.

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